Endings

I leave tomorrow for 7 weeks of camp in Michigan. I love camp to death, but it's the first year that I'm apprehensive. For once I am finally content with my situation at home, and I have made so many new friends. I really need to let go of my regrets and embrace these next few weeks. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! Sad to say goodbye.

Big Bay

So allll my exams are done! After my last one I met up with Sam, Pete, and Case at Big Bay. They were all on shrooms and so of course like complete goofballs. And I leave in a week exactly, and Gus leaves in days damn make it stop. And I keep on getting invited to all these graduation parties but I will be gone for all of them. It stinks, I feel like these opportunities only come once.

Then Pete and Case left to go to work/eat apple pie, and Sam and I talked for a wile, then Ian came along. I feel like even if I talk to Sam for a million years I still will never know him. He even told me that he is attached to no one. And I defiantly feel the absurd combination of closeness and distance. Anyway, it was nice to hang out with him, even though these chilly June days are aggravating me.

I've been on a weird sleep schedule lately, but I really can't complain.

Pictures

Guess who's on my miiiinddddd

I will miss seeing Gus everyday in photography. I will miss seeing Ian and Case too. Damn you summer, take me back to March, when Ian took this picture of me.

Mes Amis

Marie came over to study today. Then Gus came over. He got a haircut, and is now ever cuter then I remembered. I don't know what to do with myself, or him. But it's true that scent memory is the most vivid. la la la la la la la

Summer

Misty settling over the lush greenery

of prolific

ripe peonies

that are in my bedroom

normally with outstretched neck I welcome

tiny as the creeping

tender ants

I smell you, and sleep sleep

cycle of days and food and thoughts

suspended in the fog

above these chilly June days

resentment over warmer days

pushed against the clouds

in blossomed animosity

and ambiguity

Fingers spindly

and skin soft

and here encaptured this man

of stories elusive

and forces of circles

inside my stomach

that wobble and hook

and spin around and upwards

until reaching the tip of my brain

where the washed out corners

collect to form a place

Leave your scent traced on the pillow

sneak through in unexpected brilliance

of the tumbly lack

and you rabid heartbeat

has been heard

exams

I cannot study for my French exam. I will resort to drinking some tea and wasting time taking pictures of myself. That sounds like a far better plan.

Notice the cat on the bed.

Secret

I wish I could take the art film seriously

But I was actually more focused on your breathing

And the fact that I still don't speak Italian

photography

This year my photography class has been amazing - mostly because of Medved, Ian, and Case. And of course the internet. I will miss is throughly.

June

The air is cool, the sky is warm

As I once fled this place

With gravel grey hurt

On the soles of my feet

Once cringed of the mud sliding sideways through my toes

Sterility, chemicals, taught lessons

Jitters of glass

And

When the street light goes off

Because the light flies over

Not for despiration

For without staying up the night

I could not see the dawn

The Sidewalk

Today as I walked home

There was a hole

A hole in the sidewalk

And the precious taxpayer money

Money used to patch just this square

One house over from mine

Where my feet clamored daily

It was gone!

Simply vanished, and it rained, and the soil was clay

And I needed to sleep

Because a piece of me left

Left, and revealed the earth

Now the earth caused crumbles

And yes, needed to be replaced

I could see

My feet knew

My feet knew creeping home from forbidden activities

That I was just one away

Almost home

The night would part

Parted has the sidewalk

Those crumbles stung my feet

Blood drawn as over

The sharp corner I stepped

Stepped in many smooth things

The contrast was different, alive

And I loved the habitual stinging

Because then my shoes were off

Off in spring, because we needed winter

So it could crack in age

So we could sing in sun

So the blood was wine

These cracks were my blood

So familiar and necessary

Under my feet

And I miss them

earth

i feel like its ok that i wear makeup because most of it is organic.

i feel angry when people use the automatic door button for handicapped people instead of using their arm muscles.

i feel sad when my glass of water keeps on getting refilled and refilled and the resteraunt is left with eight full cups of water.

i feel happy that my toothpaste is made from bamboo. fo real yo

home

sam's back

last night i hung out with pete and case and ian and orlee

at pete's, around a fire

and the moment was glorious

such good people

chirp

the way you laughed at the amish

because economics are more important

and champagne is fizzing

every bubble desperate for air

shoving up up and the sand i feel it

and the moon i feel it

rising above the black liquour

of the lake and it is a secret

as we fleet through the marsh

i think its funny the way you run

and the way you ride your bike

with unruly ligaments

that bounce in time to the disco music

the irony of the energy is lost in the content car

s0 do you remember when we met?

this isn't the second time you've held me

and do you remember when you had long hair

and I had long hair

and we were in love? with ourselves and others, but not together

and i have grown grown grown

to overtake that tent that we didn't sleep in

because it was too cold.

and i cherish the two lines of blood

racing across my hand

because of that night

i hope they never heal

you scared me. yes, yes you did!

you were old and tall and had blonde hair

and were my first! you were my first glimpse of high school! you were, you were!

oh i digress just like your sentences

and how i can tell your thinking

but we are afraid of the end

of Paris, of Michigan

of joy over joy over joy

DONE

AP exams are over.

in other news

flowersflowersflowersflowers

now im all ick nasty because ive been studying 24/7 - but my soul feels beautiful

Sing me a Sweet Song, and Let Me Dance

Yesterday it started out 70 degrees, so at 8 I woke up and went to the Audobon. At 9 the thunderclouds rolled in, and I ran back to the car in my white t-shirt (bad choice) in the hardest rain I've seen for a while. It was wonderful.

LIFE...

...is stressing me out. In three weeks it will be smooth sailing, but I just really need to hold on until then.

College

This past week I have been in Oregon and California for the great collage pilgrimage. It's like my romantic life: just when I find something I like, something better comes along. And then you see something that is rare and beautiful but do you really want to get in a relationship or just be close friends. and is it love or infatuation? aaaaahhhhh I DON'T KNOW.

but right now Pomona College looks pretty sweeeet.

I Have A Math Test Tomorrow and I'm Really F******g Stressed

my spine is itching in that tingly sort of way

that rips the seams from the inside

of a hollow tree stretched with the webs

of tiny brown spiders who couldn't care less

my spine is ripping is a cracker crumble way

that simply parts and the seeds disembark

on their heroic journey to the floor

where they blink stupidly at the dog feet

my spine is cornering in a pining sort of way

of the tissues past of ripping whitewards

though the plastic claims the better half

as the fibers long for unification

You Wanna Watch Me? Come On Come On Watch Me!

The energy of youth is electrifying, the ability to jump over fences, not sleep for 24 hours, and (most importantly?) look fabulous. Marc Jacobs captured youth to me in his Spring/Summer 2009 show for Marc by Marc Jacobs. The dresses are breezy enough, but the shoes, the shoes! Jazz shoes have never looked better.

The music was equally awe-inspriring, but I have yet to find out who spun. I just want to strut to this all day - the opening track is "Neek Chic" by Goldielocks, and can not be purchased anywhere, I already tried.

"I'll paint my nails pink and my eyelashes blue,

anything to help my isolate myself from you,

the tops that you look really just aren't me

you run around looking all exactly THE SAME"

click here to watch it

MUNCH

Edvard Munch stirs up something inside me - he is by far my favorite artist. Two summers ago, I visited Oslo and was luck enough to go the Munch museum. For the first time I really because enthralled with art, completely in rapture.

Last weekend my quest for more Munch brought me to the Art Institute of Chicago, which had the exhibit "Becoming Edvard Munch: Influence, Anxiety, and Myth". Although not as stirring as the art in his native Norway, it was thrilling nontheless. Then Thad and I frolicked about Chicago, capping off the beautiful day.