Different

One of my earliest memories is putting together a puzzle of a bear.  My parents thought I was ready for Jr. kindergarden when I was 3, and so I took an entry test to get into the school district a year early. I think this was the first stressful situation I had ever encountered, and that's why I remember it.  I was alone in the room with the test administrator, and though I didn't really get what was going on, I knew that there were high stakes attached to the puzzle.

So I started school early, and I believe this is the moment that propelled my individuality for the rest of my life.  I was "special." I also remember that kids thought it was cool that my parents were actors, which bled into me doing some minor commercial work   They thought my parents shot blockbusters and mingled with movie starts, not that they headed to work at 6 and didn't return until midnight, and all the host of irregular problems that accompany not having consistent work.  So I was different because I was younger than everyone, and because my parents (and I) acted.

Ten years later, when I was 12, at the crux of awkwardness in 7th grade, I had spinal surgery and was out of school for two months.  I was not allowed to do any physical activity for a year, which further isolated me from my sporty peers.  Already a wisp, I lost so much weight from the surgery that sitting for a prolonged time hurt my butt, because it was so bony. All I wanted was for my Abercrombie jeans to be tight, but even a childs size 14 slim was baggy on my poor legs. So my physicality differentiated me.

Today, I revel in the fact that I'm different.  Different from what? Everyone is so different, is there some kind of spectrum of otherness?  I was thinking about my "otherness" because I have been going out a lot alone lately, and noticing it.  I like being alone, I like dancing alone at concerts, I like eating lunch alone with a book, I like taking walks alone. I like myself more than I like other people.

Of course this has to relate to something romantic.  I have never been completely enthralled with someone because I have never found someone weird enough, someone equally odd, someone that matches me in otherness and is equally as fascinating as I find myself.  I realized this last night.  (I have felt this way towards one person, and the feeling was mutual, but our story was not meant to unfold, and maybe it's more romantic that it didn't.  True romance occurs when there is no ending, when the story continues unfulfilled and in limbo).

It is completely and utterly egotistical, I realize this. I have analyzed myself and placed myself in an "unobtainable" category, except for if someone happens to be a kook.  It's selfish.  But it's true.  I know myself very well, and have not found anyone that somehow parallels my "otherness."  So for now I will continue to enjoy my time with myself.

Too Introspective

Americans are forever searching for love in forms it never takes, in places it can never be. It must have something to do with the vanished frontier. - Kurt Vonnegut

Sexy

And This Sums Up My Weekend

Try to tell me how to do it
Only because I'm new to it
Coolness is having courage
Courage to do what is right
I'll try to remember always just to have a good time

Try to show me that you know me
Do you know what coolness really is?
Winning is what you want to
Winning what you're scared to go for
You try to remember always to have a good time

Try and have a softer inside
Shut up, boy, and be a soldier
Coolness is having courage
Courage to do what's right
And try to remember always just to have a good time

Winning is what you want to
Winning what you're scared to go for
And try to remember always to have a good time

Lazy Friday

My Italian class this morning was cancelled, so I took the opportunity to hop on over to the Santa Monica Pier, which is always a surreal experience.  I spent the rest of the day eating a massive amount of frozen yogurt and seeing Summer Twins and Native Thieves, both bands I had previously never heard of but that turned out to be pretty solid.  Cheers to the weekend!