13.7 Inches

It has rained over two feet in Claremont, CA since I've been in Wisconsin.

Last night I remembered why I love Milwaukee, slipping on ice and stumbling around in the cold with three guys as we made our way to Ian's pizza. Seeing the people of MKE there long past midnight, and then consuming more calories than I eat in a day in SoCal in five minutes. Mac and cheese pizza? Yes please.

My body hasn't been this cold since May though, and I'm sick. I sure have become a wuss when it comes to the cold, and a lot of me misses the mountains. But I can see my beautiful, frozen Lake Michigan every day again.

Still...L.A. has slowly made a space in my heart...

Still Obsessed

Exams

Marjorie Miller, Queen of the Night, Tatler, 1931

Smells

Bugler tobacco

pebbles that are slightly wet

COCO Chanel perfume

marijuana

hay

dew

maple leaves

crispy snow

connect them, bitches

I Said That

I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours.

Let the Past Affect Your Every Decision

As if the sense of detachment was only something induced by the weather

I'll smile and pretend it was ok.

When something so sweet turns off, turns odd, turns...away?

Is it ok to feel?

Cello Song

Oh Dear Lazy Weekend

Favorite Book

Remember The Feeling of Cold

The cold was not quite biting, but fierce enough for me to put up my hood of fake fur. blow the cigarette smoke away, the smell stays on the fake plastic fibers. The melted snow on the sidewalk shone garishly in the little light from the moon, as I deer-hopped down the street.

I reached the party and just went int. They were happy to see me;soaked in cheap Fleischmann’s. “After five shots, you puke”. I took three.

I didn’t belong there. I felt empty.

“Come pick me up”

I waited for 45 minutes on the sidewalk. You always kept me waiting. I lit another cigarette, and forgot it was burning in my hand until my flesh was singed. Two little burn marks drawing blood near my knuckles. I sucked on them.

Your car pulled up.

You were so damn skinny, I could see your knee cap through your kakis even in the musty yellow light from the street. We drove to OP for more cigarettes. The unfortunate man behind the counter stuck out in his thin, play school-blue polo. His stringy blond hair hung over his face, and didn’t ask for ID, though I was seventeen. But what’s a few months at two in the morning?

Talking talking talking talking in circles. Why why why? You were coming down from an acid trip, that was why. That didn't make things any less confusing. I looked in the corner of the room - there was a helium ballon, in that fake candy shine color, that read “I love you”. Valentine’s Day was the week before, you made some witty joke. It was starting at us the entire time we talked, it's wrinkles beginning to take form. The whole room was grey, and brown, except for that shiny red ballon. It seemed out of place indoors.

I could feel your ribs through two layers of clothing, feel every one. And feel your heartbeat, irregular, leaping, and so full of life. You told me secrets, the same secrets that many others knew. But those brown eyes were just so irresistible!

Thin light began to peek through the kitchen. We moved. As you swerved out of the garage I issued a warning about your driving. There was cocaine in your pocket, no cops tonight! But of course it was not night anymore, 5:30 in the morning. I was cutting it dangerously close.

You let me out of the car. I couldn’t fall asleep once back in my chilly room.

Weekends

Mist

November 21, August 21

the cold makes me think of walking

and rooftops

and the the bunt scratch of tree bark.

MKE

I'm staying in California over Thanksgiving, because flying back and forth is simply too expensive. I realize that my background on both my phone, and my computer, is the lovely city of Milwaukee.

Cream City, I love you.

I can't wait to get back to the Dirty MIL!

beloved Brady Street. Photo by Emma Binder

Skin

I'm thinking about skin

as I run my finger along the outer edge of my coffee cup

unsweetened

with no milk

the steam curls up and through and I can see the little flecks of

skin

on my dry hands

I'm listening to jazz music and it's raining

Charles Mingus to be exact

the trumpet is sliding through my brain

eeeeeehhhhhhhhihiiiiii it goes

straight through

The coffee gets colder.

my fingers linger on your back

ssssssshhhhhhhhhhieeeeeeephhhhhhhhh it goes

(the sound of my fingers across your back)

skin. skin. skin,

Questionable...

‎"Video games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music." - Kristian Wilson, CEO at Nintendo Gaming Corporation Inc.

Alice Waters

Tonight I hugged Alice Waters. GAHHHHHHHH. She gave a talk at Scripps and I seriously almost teared up at the end.

Also playing this song by Atmosphere on repeat.

Audrey

I LOVE SCRIPPS

Girls can never change their natures,

that is far beyond their reach

Once a girl is born a lemon,

she can never be a peach.

But the law of compensation

is the one we always preach:

You can always squeeze a lemon,

but just try and squeeze a peach

YEEEEEEEE

95 degrees today, which called for a trip to the pool. We just splashed around, flirting with the water and enjoying the sun. After we dried off and were heading off to dinner, I was so in love with the beauty of everything that I tried to take a picture with my phone. Laura playfully comes over and completely flips up my dress.

I was not wearing ANYTHING at all under the dress.

We all crumbled with laughter. It was a good day.

And Liv and Ishmam are cutting back on cigarettes!

Detatchment

Would I complete myself without the things I like around?

She's too good to share our favorite things,
I'll keep an open mind if you let me in.
Don't let your temper rise, don't get a bitter face.
Try not to judge me on my kind of taste.
And don't go changing clothes when they don't like yours.

Am I really all the things that are outside of me?

~Animal Collective, Taste

Lounging

ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN

One of the perks of going to a women's college:

Streaking late at night is somewhat more acceptable

"Cause every time I step into the building

Everybody's hands go UP!

AND THEY STAY THERE"

Good Morning Sunday

For I have known them all already, known them all—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
-T.S. Eliot

Circles

Basic rules for boys I hook up with and date:

1. Must have a dysfunctional family life

2. Must smoke cigarettes

3. Must be addicted to drugs

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY history just keeps on repeating itself

Content

I am happy.

Please re-look at those three words.

I am happy.

Finally.

Cats

Tom Edwards Illustration

Missing the Large Beasts

I saw two girls coming back from riding today, and it made me miss horses so much

Circular

Happiness runs in a circular motion

Love is like a little bird upon the sea

Everybody is a part of anything, anyway

You can be happy if you let yourself be

Gotta Love Klimt

Nightmare

I woke up

out the window

the flannel blanket covering like a curtain

I only saw dim light.

I crashed back onto the pillow,

limp hair smelling of Chanel engulfed me.

I saw his eyes again.

My nails crossed my body and the elastic shirt was peeled from my ribs and tossed onto the floor.

I saw eyes again

Roll over, roll over.

Sleep

I woke up, my leg protruded from the sheets

it glistened in the light

the curves and little bumps of sickly veins running down down into the darkness

I saw his eyes again.

I needed water

I thumped to the floor, the air wisping my naked body

Wrapped in a sheet I stumbled

Roll over, roll over

Sleep

I saw his eyes again.

FInger Nails

creatures of pelican shaped instincts

talons grasping little firey sticks that wave and wave and wave

into my pitted stomach

filled with

SUGAR!

darting out until a circle ensues

and then

VOMIT!

how lovely

Emotions HA!

Restless

paddle through the worth

through the trees tops tips of fingers

of tips of fingers and skin peeled back

and flashes through the screeching light

flight!

Tennessee Williams

He knew he would say it. But could he believe it again?

He thought of the innocent mornings on Bourbon Street,
of the sunny courtyard and the iron lion’s head on the door.

He thought of the quality light could not be expected
to have again after rain,

the pigeons and drunkards coming together from under
the same stone arches, to move again in the sun’s
faint mumble of benediction with faint surprise.

He thought of the tall iron horseman before the Cabildo,
tipping his hat so gallantly towards old wharves,
the mist of the river beginning to climb about him.

He thought of the rotten-sweet odor of Old Quarter had,
so much like a warning of what he would have to learn.

He thought of belief and the gradual loss of belief
and the piercing together of something like it again.

But, oh, how his blood had almost turned in color
when once, in response to a sudden call from a window,
he stopped on a curbstone and first thought,

Love, Love, Love.

He knew he would say it. But could he believe it again?

...

He thought of his friends.

He thought of his lost companions,
of all he had touched and all whose touch he had known.

He wept for remembrance.

But when he had finished weeping, he washed his face,

he smiled at his face in the mirror, preparing to say
to you, whom he was expecting.

Love. Love. Love

But could he believe it again?

~ from the poem "Mornings on Bourbon Street"

I like these days

September 8th Possibilities

I am the thing you want

I am that thing you need

I'm faster than a skateboard

I am your late-night weed

I am the drug you crave

I am the sour lime

I'm faster than your problems

I am more you than mine

Away for a While

SUMMER

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

surprise

CLASS OF 2010

AND I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL

Basement Boys II

It is always boys in basements.

Boys forsaken enough to reside in a room without windows.

Boys with enough freedom to claim the only noiseless room in the house, the only place away from parental eyes.

Boys draw me into their basements, and I never quite emerge the same. Living in a room without windows is unhealthy.

But then again, so is smoking cigarettes. And it was always boys with cigarettes.

My two weaknesses:

1. Basements

2. Cigarettes

And when combined, I am powerless.

Almost Gone

Drivin that train, high on cocaine

The trouble with you is the trouble with me,

Got two good eyes but you still don't see

I think I mostly stress myself out

Rrarrr

Ha

"I don't care if there is heroin in my cup. It's in my cup! Fuck you!" -- Lil Wayne

my eye is spazzing so I'll just wear shades

Mixed

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Bittersweet

Really

Basement Boys

I hadn't been on his side of town in a while. I had been thinking about us lately, because I removed him from my MyFaves contacts. I realized this because he texted me, and the little icon of a stern looking eagle in front of the American flag did not appear. And the little jump in my blood flow didn't happen when he texted either.

Anyway, I was on his side of town today, and I biked home on Chateau for the first time in a while. I knew all the bumps, crevices, the spot where I would pull out my phone from my breast pocket and swear under my breath because the clock read 12:03. It was odd, biking home on that same path.

It was odd, how things so familiar slipped out of place slowly and I barely noticed they were gone.

I'm Stressed Past My Mind but I'm Happy

Cobain

Three Weeks

It's been three weeks

I can feel it running through my veins

like some spastic animal

and I can barely control my fingers

they move like violent spiders

and my stomach feels sick. again

I feel like if I throw up everything will be ok, my mother will come with a towel and put me in bed and I will finally get to sleep and everything will be out of my stomach

but there is nothing in my stomach to begin with.

so I know that plan won't work.

Everything is fine. Everything is completely fine.

MY FAVORITE SONG

So

Sweet summer night and I'm stripped to my sheets
Forehead is leaking, my AC squeaks and
A voice from the clock says, "You're not gonna get tired"
My bed is a pool and the walls are on fire

Soak my head in the sink for a while
Chills on my neck and it makes me smile but
My bones have to move and my skin's gotta breathe
You pick up the phone and I'm so relieved

You slide down your stairs to the heated street
And the sun has left us with slippery feet
And I want to walk around with you
And be here with you, we're goin'

It doesn't really matter, I'll go where you feel
Hunt for the breeze, get a midnight meal
I point in the windows, you point out the parks
Rip off your sleeves and I'll ditch my socks
We'll dance to the songs from the cars as they pass
Weave through the cardboard, smell that trash
Walking around in our summertime clothes,
Know where to go while our bodies glow
And we'll greet the dawn in its morning blues
With purple yawn, you'll be sleeping soon
And I want to walk around with you

When the sun goes down, we'll go out again
Don't cool off, I like your warmth

Let's leave the sound of the heat for the sound of the rain
It's easy to sleep when it wets my brain
It covers my rest with a saccharine sheen
Kissing the wind through my window screen
The restlessness calls us, that I cannot hide
So much on my mind that it spills outside
Do you want to go stroll down the financial street?
Our clothes might get soaked, but the buildings sleep
And there's no one pushing for a place
As we end up at an easy pace
And I want to walk around with you
I want to walk around with you
Just you, just you, just you...

Hey

No Sleep Ever

Hum

I miss playing the piano. I can tell the keys are falling apart, the lines between F sharp and F flat are becoming so sour, I know! It's as annoying as those egg flakes that happen when you make an omelet. You know, those flakes that sometimes stick to the pan and sometimes stick to the egg, and pretty soon you have an egg coated with egg dandruff or a crusty pan that you will stick next to the sink and ignore.

Today I was watching my math teacher's part in class, and I swear he moved it from the right to the left. He has come out of retirement to teach us because my former teacher had a baby. We had to use crayons to color code our notes today, but I just ended up drawing a water bottle, and the back of a woman instead of taking notes. I forgot how absolutely marvelous crayons are, you can never be precise with them. So we are doing these circle graphs, with these absurd spirals that just come out of math equations. The look so free flowing but really they come from a cosine and all that. I am getting a D- in math now, I failed the last quiz. It came the day after a night that was somehow important at the time... I don't quite remember. But my grade doesn't come up then I can't exempt the exam, and my life will very calculate-ably spiral out of control like the graph. So because I have to study for math I am not playing the piano.

But what is really frustrating me lately is not math and not shitty omelets but how incredibly spelled out everything is right now. For the last two weeks I have been starving myself and then eating so much that I feel I will throw up. And sleeping so little that my body thinks I deserve no naps, just as punishment. But emotion is unstoppable and doesn't end when you sleep and doesn't begin when you're awake. Not like I have these raging emotions, lately they have been a mix of grey, and look like some tea that you forgot you made yourself. I think I am doing too much at once. It's 10:04 and me night has not even begun. Last night I decided to go to bed early, at midnight, as a treat for the beginning of the week. Then he called me at two in the morning to talk, and of course I answered because what the hell I've been living in circles these days anyway.

But what is really frustrating me is existence. I mean the world is just there and who says that four in the morning is a good time to be asleep? Or that I must eat breakfast, lunch and dinner? Or that somehow learning about stocks and bonds will actually do anything except make me consider the stock market? Well I won't even get into the stock market, that's way to fucked up to even begin. Can you even wrap your mind around it? The stock market?!

Well I'm exhausted, and my brother told me I looked like a model today. I questioned him more, because I obviously did not. Once I got what he was trying to say I thanked him for saying I looked like a model and not saying I look like a cocaine addict. We laughed, because we both know I do.

Impending

hard yard darn yawn

obligated, bound by laws

face lace lance mace

cocaine can make you punch through walls

reap creep crepe rape

i just need some adderalls

Wednesday Night, We Meet Again

Procrastination Inspiration