Hum

I miss playing the piano. I can tell the keys are falling apart, the lines between F sharp and F flat are becoming so sour, I know! It's as annoying as those egg flakes that happen when you make an omelet. You know, those flakes that sometimes stick to the pan and sometimes stick to the egg, and pretty soon you have an egg coated with egg dandruff or a crusty pan that you will stick next to the sink and ignore.

Today I was watching my math teacher's part in class, and I swear he moved it from the right to the left. He has come out of retirement to teach us because my former teacher had a baby. We had to use crayons to color code our notes today, but I just ended up drawing a water bottle, and the back of a woman instead of taking notes. I forgot how absolutely marvelous crayons are, you can never be precise with them. So we are doing these circle graphs, with these absurd spirals that just come out of math equations. The look so free flowing but really they come from a cosine and all that. I am getting a D- in math now, I failed the last quiz. It came the day after a night that was somehow important at the time... I don't quite remember. But my grade doesn't come up then I can't exempt the exam, and my life will very calculate-ably spiral out of control like the graph. So because I have to study for math I am not playing the piano.

But what is really frustrating me lately is not math and not shitty omelets but how incredibly spelled out everything is right now. For the last two weeks I have been starving myself and then eating so much that I feel I will throw up. And sleeping so little that my body thinks I deserve no naps, just as punishment. But emotion is unstoppable and doesn't end when you sleep and doesn't begin when you're awake. Not like I have these raging emotions, lately they have been a mix of grey, and look like some tea that you forgot you made yourself. I think I am doing too much at once. It's 10:04 and me night has not even begun. Last night I decided to go to bed early, at midnight, as a treat for the beginning of the week. Then he called me at two in the morning to talk, and of course I answered because what the hell I've been living in circles these days anyway.

But what is really frustrating me is existence. I mean the world is just there and who says that four in the morning is a good time to be asleep? Or that I must eat breakfast, lunch and dinner? Or that somehow learning about stocks and bonds will actually do anything except make me consider the stock market? Well I won't even get into the stock market, that's way to fucked up to even begin. Can you even wrap your mind around it? The stock market?!

Well I'm exhausted, and my brother told me I looked like a model today. I questioned him more, because I obviously did not. Once I got what he was trying to say I thanked him for saying I looked like a model and not saying I look like a cocaine addict. We laughed, because we both know I do.