Saturday, April 30, 2011

too much

Its back

Crawling in my stomach

With pink limbs through my torso

Up up into that center


Ive been starving myself for two days

Purpling food until black cigarette smoke remains the only behind lights

taste that lingers


Restricted

Makes me want you more

I want you more, more, more,

I want to feel your arm muscles flash

And run my fingers through your

Woods of a head

Forever and roll in the moss until my breasts are covered by the slight green velvet of yourself


My headaches throb inside my chest and I want to cocoon my self

Yet the only thing I can think of is your green comfort

That wraps me so tight that even your superior taste in music barely shakes me


Who am I tricking when I say you do’t shake me?


You shake me, alright. Enough to make me slap you

A slap in anger, in belly wrenching sideways feeling pure sharp unfairness


And I need to turn that hand around and take our over flushed face

With my ever growing arm muscles and love and love and love


I’m opening myself up. Do you know?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

WFB
















I've been thinking a lot about high school lately. I went through my friend Tessa Binder's polaroids, and here are a choice few that really make me miss Milwaukee and the crew.


Friday, April 22, 2011

"You're Very Weird In a Good Way"

Is it the poetry?
because I've had poems on the tip of my tongue for days
and nothing lets me spit them out
pluralism
tips and tongues. Originally plural;
I screamed.
Thick, curling, black screams that echoed.
Coed echoes
getting past me thoughts
through my thoughts
heart caged in a bed of black lace
clinging to the back of my ribs
peeling close to my bare braced back


Interesting? Aren't we all
Here anyway
In college that picks us for our quirks
To get into a place where "brash" and "ambiguity"
Can come out even when Svedka and Sky and Patron and Miller

Wrap my hip bones seriously, somberly, soberly

I listen to enough hip-hop to fill
One day
and fifteen hours
and five minutes
and twenty seven seconds

And don't you just want me to give you a blow job?

I'M WEIRD
and I like that you like it
and I like my more than I like you that I like it ME LOOK AT ME
But wonder if anyone will really
GET me my reality
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

Cause I'm so FUCKING HARD to GET.
Get it?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Friday, April 8, 2011

Joyce

"Over his untasteable apology for a cup of coffee, listening to this synopsis of things in general, Stephen stared at nothing in particular." -Ulysses, pg 644

I finished reading Ulysses today. I feel snobby and highly educated and super intelligent, but mostly I loved reading it for phrases like the above.

Interpretations Welcome

Over the past months, I have had three incredibly vivid dreams. I feel compelled to write them down.


Wednesday, February 2


I was on a stage, probably the Marcus Center in Milwaukee, WI. I was in a ballet, and I had just performed well, and was in a lead role. Suddenly, a menacing man with very frizzy red hair handcuffs me. He is short and skinny and has lots of freckles. I know what it is for, I was expecting him. I tell him not to take me away until I do my bow. I bow, then go backstage and am handcuffed. He is taking me to rehab. He leads me down a dark and grimy staircase, with Duncan, my improv director. Duncan’s name in the dream is Ben. His phone starts to fall out of his pocket and even with my handcuffs on I use my hands and the phone against the canvas wall to slip the phone back in his pocket.

We walk outside to a small silver car, I am no longer wearing ballet clothes (I think I have shorts on but I don’t quite remember). In the backseat of the car is my brother and a midget in a high chair. Duncan/Ben says he will sit in the back, and my brother and I both sit in the front seat. It’s pretty smushed.

We start driving to the rehab center, we are driving along the California coast. The sky is purple and pink with clouds, it is the crazy smog sunset. The window of the car is rolled down. I look at the beach and there are thousands and thousands of Canadian geese on the shore. As I look more closely, the geese morph into wild horses, mostly black and brown, running wild along the beach.

We decide to stop for food at a fast food place with a very very bright colored sign. This guy I hooked up with first semester, who I’ll call X, begs the man with the red hair to let him take me on a walk instead of eating dinner. He says yes, and I walk with X. I no longer have on any handcuffs.

Now I kind of go into X’s mind and see his past as he talks to me. He tells me his mother was a seamstress in a circus (I see a large purple tent and billowy sheets/canvas). His mother sewed cloths for one of the acrobats (I see an exotic looking girl of about 10 or 12 with striking brown eyes, wearing an arabian costume, with a woman sewing next to her). X tells me he fell in love with that girl when he was 11 but now he doesn’t travel with the circus anymore.

We walk back to the car, the sky is still bright purple and pink and it is hot, but not uncomfortable because there is a lot of wind. There is is jungle looking area next to the car. I kiss X and then go back to the car. The dreams ends.


Thursday, March 24


My father has died, I know this. I am in a desert climate. My brother, Thad, and I are in a room where all the colors seem kind of faded, and dusty. Thad tells me he is in charge of embalming the body. This disturbs me because in real life my parents have made it very clear that they want to be cremated, and Thad is only 16. This upsets me so much I decide to take a walk outside.

Some men are playing a basketball game outside, it is mid afternoon. One of them is Eli, my friend from camp. He can tell that I am upset and comes over, and I explain the situation to him. He is a Christian Scientist, just like my father, and thinks that it is weird that he therefore chose to be in a wake and be buried as well. Eli is wearing a red mesh sleeveless jersey. He tries to comfort me, and eventually lies down on some grass. I lie down with my head on his stomach and he tells me to listen to his breathing to calm down. I feel a little better and go back inside.

Right near the doorway there are two blond twins, and they have their shirts off. They are maybe 15 or 16 years old, and have hair to their shoulders of shiny blond. One of them it tattooing the other. I talk to them briefly but don’t remember our conversation.

Thad is about to take my dad’s body out of a French door closet. I freak out and leave again. I walk up this road, there is an old west feel. The road is dusty, and going uphill, and I am walking on the left side. There are hardly any people, I become conscious that I am wearing al black. There is lots of trash sort of blowing around, plastic mostly. I walk into an antique store where there are lots of cobwebs. I look for some tennis shoes. The dream ends.


Thursday, March 31


I am trying to fly home for some holiday from California. I am waiting forever in this train station, and the train finally comes. I am whisked away to an airport. The airport looks like a 50’s diner on the outside, and the whole bottom floor is open air. Everything is a sort of tacky teal color. I am really confused, my ticket is very cryptic. I look around but there is no one who really seems authoritative to ask. I just blindly go up this winding staircase.

Suddenly the 50’s vibe changes altogether, everything is red velvet and gold. I wonder if I am supposed to be here or if it is a check in level just for first class. On my right are crowds of people trying to get through security, really frantic. On the left are the typical airline check in counters. I see one sign for a company, and then spray painted over it is the name of my airline. This seems odd but I make my way over there. On my left is this guy from CMC, Ethan, behind an ice cream counter where a check in booth and assistant typically would be. He is wearing a dark green apron. I’m relieved to see him and ask him if he understands where I should go since he works in the airport. The only thing I understand on my ticket is that my flight takes off at 2:10 p.m. Ethan pretty much ignores my plea for help because he is trying to give me a free scoop of peanut butter ice cream. I’m frustrated that he won’t help with finding where I should be but free ice cream is pretty nice of him, even though I really don’t like peanut butter flavor. He gives me a cone, and I start to eat it and realize it is gelato, and tastes really good. I’m having this sort of happy moment and then I look to my right at this clock really high up and it’s 2:15, so my flight took off 5 minutes ago. The ice cream cone vanishes and I run up to this man in a white uniform and a hat.

The man is probably about 50, and I tell him I am basically clueless. He rushes me over to this big white cylinder. He opens the door to it and tells me to go in. Now I’m in a white tube. There are white stairs that fold down from the top of this tube I’m in, which make no sense because you would have to flip the whole tube upside town to go up them (it’s weird and made sense in the dream). I go down another set of white stairs, into this glowing circular screen. Suddenly I feel my particles go weird and I’m zapped to the end of security. I walk out of security through an open wall, then see my plane.

It is hardly a plane. It is literally an old purple eight person van from the 80’s with wings. I get in. There are five other girls on the “plane” and they are in some trashy group like the Pussycat Dolls or something, just bimbos with too much make up on. I feel a little weird, and the van/plane smells like cigarettes. The pilot makes sure we are all seat belted and then takes off, using the steering wheel to fly. We are not flying very high, as the windows are slightly open to take in oxygen, we are probably at a mid size skyscraper height. I look at my phone and think I need a new one. I look down over California and see palm trees. The dreams ends.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

My Favorite Scripps Tree

Olive oil soap, rosemary, grass.

the lip chewing frustration of soapy savon olive oil
olive oil soap
the flecks
like my favorite kind of cheese, aged parmesan
in slices that crumble away
shaved down until nothing is left
make me remember nights on Oland
scrubbing away the Danish air
the green green color of rosemary picked on a hike
resonating within my mind
warping down into a darkness
like running at night.
I sit on the bench and think of beginnings and endings
chchchchchchsssssssssssssschchchchchchchchsssssssssss
too much water for California but the warm air is tell me to
strip all the clothes from my body and roll in the fresh wet grass
as my pointed toes run up the goosebumps on my mapped legs
the water would slide into my laughing mouth
as my hair zig zags across my shoulders
and the sprinklers turn a 80 degree night into a waterfall.
the baubles of light letting me see half of everything.