happiness only comes in tiny morsels during the loud music or when something chemical is in your blood

You are watching your mind run away from you. You don’t want to go out or put your contacts in or put your make-up on. You want to be away from people. There’s acid in your mouth and food is undesirable. You don’t want to be lured into someone else’s dramas and away from yours, because you prefer it here. You don’t want to hear how it’ll pass, or how you don’t deserve this because rationalizing the pain doesn’t make it go away. All the flowery words… the turn of phrases… and the logical conclusions… none of it can spare you from the shitty feelings you must endure when your time has come. Thoughts have stopped making sense, but you still have them and you still believe in them even though you know they’re wrong. Knowing that the pain won’t last forever doesn’t stop it from feeling like it will. Your inside world is the enemy and you almost want to die. You’re shaking your head now because you remember that Nirvana’s last recorded song was for the Beavis and Butthead movie soundtrack and it was called “I Hate Myself And I Want To Die”, but no one saw it as a cry for help. All you want is to go into a deep sleep until it’s spring again, but instead you have to go out tonight. This anguish is a fabrication of your mind but you can’t turn it off. Your limitless creativity is at work against you right now. You’ve constucted scenarios so deep, so “Danielle Steele-lian” that somehow they’ve become logically plausible. You feel like you’re walking around in a Bonnie Tyler video and then you realize that it’s only the decor at the Hudson Hotel during fashion week. No, Warhol and Basquiat won’t be walking around the corner any time now. All of these Keith Herring enlargements, the Madonna mural and the Interview magazine wallpaper will be gone next week and so will the pain. An hour later, you love him. An hour later you wonder why you’re “in this”. An hour later you don’t care either way because you’re just gonna “do you“. You’re above all this stuff because you’re a woman now. See… you already feel better. You go to the after-party and you flirt and you drink and you celebrate your newfound aloofness. You’re only checking your phone because your girl is supposed to be meeting you soon. No one mentions anything about the past few days when they see you because they’d rather deal with this version of you, even if your happiness only comes in tiny morsels during the loud music or when something chemical is in your blood. You are deep inside the endless nameless and you have no regrets. It is in this moment of bliss that your phone suddenly vibrates in your pocket. Not like a “text message buzz” but like “someone is calling you buzz”. You rush to a more quiet location while you are taking it out. As you move through the people you realize that you’re drunk and that it’s 3 am. The number is blocked but you answer it anyways. You can’t hear a thing that he’s saying. Hold on, hold on, you say and you finally get to the girls bathroom. Hello, hello… and your mouth is open as you listen to an automated message from T-Mobile advising you to pay your bill to avoid disruption of your service. If you would like to make a payment press three. To hear your choices again press the pound key.

~ Malbec http://bronques.wordpress.com/2010/03/05/the-danielle-steele-lians/