Monday, May 30, 2011

One Year's Time

Written May 2010


And I wonder if going to college in California where there is no difference in the weather

Is really necessary

And you say it’s lovely

(for old people who have already felt)

But either nice with a side of beautiful

Or gorgeous with a chance of happiness?

How pure and organic is your sugar. Oh, it’s sin - thetic?

I rather like moping on the rainy days

And besides, people that live in California have mental disorders

From a lack of balance

____


Written May 2011


And I wonder if living in Wisconsin where spring doesn’t come till June

Is really desirable

And instead of moping? I’m outraged!

(Why the hell haven’t the trees bloomed)

Mental disorders? As if they weren’t there before,

Because what kind of teenager

Writes a winey poem about moving to Los Angeles!?

I clearly already had problems. And besides

Emptiness still exists in warm weather

But it can be tempered by an afternoon at the pool.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Blast from the Moody Past

In honor of it feeling like winter in Wisconsin, here is a story originally written over a year and a half ago in December, 2009:


Her letter was no longer on his wall. And they were repeating themselves. Things he had texted her, thoughts she had spurted out over the phone, they were all reviewed.


He moved from New Haven to the South. Then to the Midwest. The to the West Coast. Then back to the Midwest.


And, she noticed, he had taken out his piercing. “Why?”


“Because I felt like it. That should really be the only reason you do anything in life.”


***

She had cried in front of him twice. The first time was on a Friday night, the type of Friday that eats at the stomach because one could be out, hypothetically having fun with a bunch of other smiling teenagers (who were only smiling because Friday was an excuse to binge smoke). Yet she was indoors, on the floor, leaning against he bed so the wood frame dug into her vertebrae, sure to leave a raw red mark. The tears were already there when she decided to call him.


He was riding his bike, and could not hear her through the sobs. He switched into protective mode, and through cell phone towers he managed to calm her down. She was never an emotional person anyway. She was smart, in spite of everything, and lovely, and better then this, remember? He made sense. Their conversation turned away from the bad to the future, to the sun that never shone where he lived. They talked for two hours, and he biked completely across Portland in that time.


***

He came back for the first time at Christmas. They were hollow, and it was mutually understood. Swaggering as usual, he made it to her house on Christmas, and they sat in front of the dying embers, as the room slowly grew darker, and the frost crawled up the windows.


The next night, she tagged along with a group of kids she didn't know to a park to go sledding, because what else was there to do? She was loyal to Wisconsin, especially in winter. She giggled through the dark tunnel to the park, and when she came out the other end he was standing there. There, tall as ever. She took him and they ran the edge of the park. They yelled at each other and she hit him with her small fists and he shook her more then was probably necessary. She could tell the tears were close behind, and she pulled down her hat to cover her eyes. Not many people saw her crying. Not even him. But he knew that the tears would turn to ice, and drew her in closer to his kaki coat.


The police came, and they ran further into the park. Their friends shouts, begging them to return, disappeared into the icy river. Desperate, their friends tried to drag them out, to bring them home before the police entered the park, but they were rooted to the spot. When they decided it was time to leave, they walked hand in hand through the tunnel.


She mumbled: “Come find me. Do you promise?”


“I promise”


And he did. They kissed for the last time and he got into the purple Jeep.


The next morning she woke up in her best friends bed with the sun glaring through the window. Her friend pulled up next to her and rubbed her back.


Vomiting was not unpleasant. Her friend followed her and held her hair back. A tall glass of water was produced, the only thing that entered her body for the whole day.


***


“No last semester was just bad for me,” he tossed out, peering up at her from his dorm room bed many may miles away, through a computer screen.


“Nooo, second semester senior year is supposed to be the best part of high school”


“Well, I was just fucked up a lot. On a lot of drugs. And drunk all the time”


She wished she could hear him, but they had already stopped communicating.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Raining

The new Bon Iver album has leaked, but I'd rather listen to it when it is actually released...oh the torture. For now, it's a rainy day, so I'm reminiscing while listening to this amazing rerub of Skinny Love.


Missing College

This hilarious tumblr makes my heart sore:

http://peopleofclaremont.tumblr.com/

Friday, May 20, 2011

things I missed








1. the lake
2. suburban starbucks
3. boys


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Leaving



Crickets eat at the air;
dense with a shade of purple the color of salty water.
As fingers run over the last grooves
the sketched out lines of screen
the last bubbles of the fountain
like a perpetual fish tank aerator accompany my dreams.
Silent, captured, the air breathes
with thoughts of leaving
weaving
through eternal checklists
in my overwhelmed mind


Friday, May 13, 2011

In An Aeroplane Over the Sea

But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Cali Bruh


I was lucky enough to spend the day at the Jonathan Beach Club in Santa Monica on Saturday. I will really miss California. I head back to Milwaukee on Saturday.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Magnetic Fields

This song has somehow stuck with me over the past few days...


I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take
a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to
go through what I go through. I guess I should take
Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would
try to get you off my mind. I could leave this agony behind
which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, but I don't
want to get over you cause I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
and not have to dream of what I dream of; I could listen
to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
or I could make a career of being blue--I could dress
in black and read Camus, smoke clove cigarettes and drink
vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream but I
don't want to get over you.