Different

One of my earliest memories is putting together a puzzle of a bear.  My parents thought I was ready for Jr. kindergarden when I was 3, and so I took an entry test to get into the school district a year early. I think this was the first stressful situation I had ever encountered, and that's why I remember it.  I was alone in the room with the test administrator, and though I didn't really get what was going on, I knew that there were high stakes attached to the puzzle.

So I started school early, and I believe this is the moment that propelled my individuality for the rest of my life.  I was "special." I also remember that kids thought it was cool that my parents were actors, which bled into me doing some minor commercial work   They thought my parents shot blockbusters and mingled with movie starts, not that they headed to work at 6 and didn't return until midnight, and all the host of irregular problems that accompany not having consistent work.  So I was different because I was younger than everyone, and because my parents (and I) acted.

Ten years later, when I was 12, at the crux of awkwardness in 7th grade, I had spinal surgery and was out of school for two months.  I was not allowed to do any physical activity for a year, which further isolated me from my sporty peers.  Already a wisp, I lost so much weight from the surgery that sitting for a prolonged time hurt my butt, because it was so bony. All I wanted was for my Abercrombie jeans to be tight, but even a childs size 14 slim was baggy on my poor legs. So my physicality differentiated me.

Today, I revel in the fact that I'm different.  Different from what? Everyone is so different, is there some kind of spectrum of otherness?  I was thinking about my "otherness" because I have been going out a lot alone lately, and noticing it.  I like being alone, I like dancing alone at concerts, I like eating lunch alone with a book, I like taking walks alone. I like myself more than I like other people.

Of course this has to relate to something romantic.  I have never been completely enthralled with someone because I have never found someone weird enough, someone equally odd, someone that matches me in otherness and is equally as fascinating as I find myself.  I realized this last night.  (I have felt this way towards one person, and the feeling was mutual, but our story was not meant to unfold, and maybe it's more romantic that it didn't.  True romance occurs when there is no ending, when the story continues unfulfilled and in limbo).

It is completely and utterly egotistical, I realize this. I have analyzed myself and placed myself in an "unobtainable" category, except for if someone happens to be a kook.  It's selfish.  But it's true.  I know myself very well, and have not found anyone that somehow parallels my "otherness."  So for now I will continue to enjoy my time with myself.