COLLEGE: the results are in

ACCEPTED:

Occidental

Connecticut College

Hendrix

WAIT LISTED:

Vassar

Scripps

Whitman

Davidson

REJECTED:

Pomona

Swarthmore

I can't wait to eat outside

the sartorialist

happiness only comes in tiny morsels during the loud music or when something chemical is in your blood

You are watching your mind run away from you. You don’t want to go out or put your contacts in or put your make-up on. You want to be away from people. There’s acid in your mouth and food is undesirable. You don’t want to be lured into someone else’s dramas and away from yours, because you prefer it here. You don’t want to hear how it’ll pass, or how you don’t deserve this because rationalizing the pain doesn’t make it go away. All the flowery words… the turn of phrases… and the logical conclusions… none of it can spare you from the shitty feelings you must endure when your time has come. Thoughts have stopped making sense, but you still have them and you still believe in them even though you know they’re wrong. Knowing that the pain won’t last forever doesn’t stop it from feeling like it will. Your inside world is the enemy and you almost want to die. You’re shaking your head now because you remember that Nirvana’s last recorded song was for the Beavis and Butthead movie soundtrack and it was called “I Hate Myself And I Want To Die”, but no one saw it as a cry for help. All you want is to go into a deep sleep until it’s spring again, but instead you have to go out tonight. This anguish is a fabrication of your mind but you can’t turn it off. Your limitless creativity is at work against you right now. You’ve constucted scenarios so deep, so “Danielle Steele-lian” that somehow they’ve become logically plausible. You feel like you’re walking around in a Bonnie Tyler video and then you realize that it’s only the decor at the Hudson Hotel during fashion week. No, Warhol and Basquiat won’t be walking around the corner any time now. All of these Keith Herring enlargements, the Madonna mural and the Interview magazine wallpaper will be gone next week and so will the pain. An hour later, you love him. An hour later you wonder why you’re “in this”. An hour later you don’t care either way because you’re just gonna “do you“. You’re above all this stuff because you’re a woman now. See… you already feel better. You go to the after-party and you flirt and you drink and you celebrate your newfound aloofness. You’re only checking your phone because your girl is supposed to be meeting you soon. No one mentions anything about the past few days when they see you because they’d rather deal with this version of you, even if your happiness only comes in tiny morsels during the loud music or when something chemical is in your blood. You are deep inside the endless nameless and you have no regrets. It is in this moment of bliss that your phone suddenly vibrates in your pocket. Not like a “text message buzz” but like “someone is calling you buzz”. You rush to a more quiet location while you are taking it out. As you move through the people you realize that you’re drunk and that it’s 3 am. The number is blocked but you answer it anyways. You can’t hear a thing that he’s saying. Hold on, hold on, you say and you finally get to the girls bathroom. Hello, hello… and your mouth is open as you listen to an automated message from T-Mobile advising you to pay your bill to avoid disruption of your service. If you would like to make a payment press three. To hear your choices again press the pound key.

~ Malbec http://bronques.wordpress.com/2010/03/05/the-danielle-steele-lians/

Your Old Room Was Empty

You Left Me In A Hole

...
A hopeful youth waits for the first star to come out
The sky above can be so mean, the clouds cover what should be seen
And there ain't much left to keen in my book

Hangin' on to someone else, he tells you that peace sells
And you see him like all's well, I ain't jealous
Though you used to listen to me,
My inner thoughts have made you flee
I know you were just tryin' to be what you want to be

I let you in to see me for real
And you walked right out that's what I feel
You said you needed time to be alone

And like the youth I looked above
Feeling stranded without love
The time was wrong, and you left me in a hole
You left me in hole
You left me in hole

The rain it comes, the rain it goes
The question is, she friend or foe
...

And I don't care just what you do,
Or what you think, that's up to you
You see, those thoughts of yours are not new to me at all

And is it these thoughts that made you believe
That there's nothing here so you shall leave
While I sit here with my guitar in my hand

...
And all I can do is sit back and sigh, what's my problem
Ignore the problem, that's the key
Said the woman beneath the tree
If your eyes are closed, you can't see the sunrise

The phone, it rings, who could it be
Well, it ain't her, and it's not for me
Forgetting's as easy as 1-2-3 my friends say
Her face is still all too clear, her leaving me was my biggest fear
Something's got to help me steer away from her

You have your life, and I have mine,
Maybe we'll meet again some other time
Down the long road, on another plain

But Wise Men Never Fall in Love

"Fools rush in

Where angles fear to tread

And so I come to you, my love

My heart above my head

Though I see the danger there,

If there's a chance for me,

Then I don't care!

Fools rush in

Where wise men never go

But wise men never fall in love,

So how are they to know?

When we met

I felt my life begin;

So open up your heart and let

This fool rush in!"

This is one of my all time favorite songs

NOSLEEP

Am I the Only Person Not Depressed?

Hunger

What is it to not eat?

(To feel so much that even a bagel; the cure for hunger, elation, a hangover, morning blues, night munchies, and wishing)

Looks as stale as week old Wonder bread?

What is it when the hunger and the internal eating mix up into a chemical concoction that even the RZA would have to list as a drug?

But what is it not to eat based solely on a fragment?

Something as small and insignificant as a wispy piece of hair?

To not eat for a simple wisp of hair?

A single misplaced bone?

A slicing aluminum can?

A strangled strand of smoke?

...But I Do Know it is so Important to Feel

Moving On Sunday

I love it when the clouds of incense make the sun sift through my room. I cried for the first time in quite a while yesterday, and it felt wonderful. I bottle everything up all the time, I am never the one being comforted, I am always the comforter. Moments of vulnerability are extremely seldom, and one happened yesterday, but I feel so much better and ready to start over, yet again.

I Have So Many Secrets

Boysboysboysboys

Sleep Optional

Feeling Emptier on My Left Side

Sigh no more, ladies

Sigh no more

Men were deceivers ever

One foot in sea

And one on shore

To one thing constant never

Then sigh not so

And let them go

And be you blithe and bonny

Converting all your sounds of woe

Into hey, nonny nonny!

Much Ado About Nothing

Bones

hipbones collarbones

hipbones collarbones

hip bones down

into my pitted middle

collar bones side

flimsy as a fiddle

fingers tracing hip bones

eyes tracing collar bones

hip bones

collar bones

connected by the spine

More

Thinking A Lot About Dear Oscar Lately...

failureregret

I'm tired of this endless nostalgia

Hearing words overlay themselves to form frost

in the shape of typewriter letters over and over until they pierce out the side of my head

I'm tired of this sunlight

telling myself to move but all I can think about

are those letters in my brain

flipping themselves sideways trying to create meaning

of the past of the past trying to shake off their

baby power dust still clinging to the tips

They are slating sideways like some

drunken sledder fuzzy and blurred

I just want them to go away

and stop thinking about this second Saturday in February the second time

because I know another word just formed in my head

now two

they are overlapping and the dust is falling off of them and I can almost hold them

can you see them through my eyes? Into my head where the words are clinging to each other like some mad desperate cats?

I wish they would stop moving

I am becoming nauseous

There are too many words.

Lately

I just want to shake to the Strokes

with a side shimmy

hair flings over my other shoulder

silence

a breath

resume faster swirling to these mad guitars