;)

‎"that's the best revenge of all: happiness. nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life." Chuck Palahniuk

Naked, Really

I look down at this body of mine

my shoulders, tan

and there is a scar on my back

I look at the back of this body

and see two inches too short

and see scars that are disformative

and see a slight curve

that is perfect for cuddling up against

and strength-fully sexy

"I would masturbate the hell out of that scar"

but I don't reveal it so I can't get too far

I look down at these legs of mine and see

too stubby

pocked by mosquito bites

that form rough bruises

that say "yes, I hiked the Canadian lakeshore

and have been bitten by unruly horses many times"

and when I put on those black slick shoes

my legs can kick right back.

and then I look at my ass

perfect for cuddling up against

a perfect handful when someone presses their mouth against mine.

and my thighs monstrously large -

I will eat salads for weeks to decrease those trunks

but they are as unshrinkable as my desire for chocolate chip cookies.

I look down at my tan and veiny feet

with a bunion that "wants to talk with its twin bone in my right foot"

with calluses on the sides from dancing five nights a week

and a scar from the time I was barefoot in the creek

and sliced my foot on a fishing hook

I hate my body that I look down at

when I am in public I feel to fat

my stomach is supple, that word that I hate

to weight 118, I'm resigned, is my fate

but sometimes

when I'm getting out of my cloths

I look at my arm muscles

and my 5'2" frame

and I run my fingers along my skin and think

"but this is beauty"

and I look down at the lines from my foot to those dimples

at the end of my back

and see how sensuously I can slide around

and I like the way every curve folds into another!

I'm trying to believe myself.

KANYEKANYEKANYE

"I'm just young rich and tasteless"

Running

I've been running every day, and this inspires me!

COACHELLA LINEUP

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE MY LIFE IS COMPLETE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOME!

I sure did, the entire bus and train ride back

January 13th

I run my tongue over the enflamed gum above my upper left capsid. My sharp, slimy teeth have never had cavities. I poke the swelling with my tongue. The spongy pain is temporary, caused scraping from the metal pick. I don’t mind the dentist, except for when they dig near my gums.

I need a night guard for my teeth. The upper bone in my mouth is large from clenching, and I constantly have small wounds self inflicted by my own teeth. Yesterday, on my left cheek, I noticed a large gash. But this is normal, I have been chewing the inside of my mouth for years.

Apparently I gnash my teeth in my sleep. I chew my lips, I bite my tongue, I lash out at my poor, quickly regenerating inner mouth cells.

_ _ _

A dead elephant will feed an entire pride of lions for a week. They tear away the dusty, leathery skin, to expose the tough meet. Snarling, gouging, they demolish the elephant. One sits and knaws on the trunk, blood smearing her curling lips.

Elephants and lions need to share the same watering hole, and by day they tolerate each other. But the elephant’s vision at knight is akin to a human’s, and the lions are hungry. Twelve of them stalk the elephant. As he runs, terrified and trumpeting, they leap onto his back, tearing the skin with their wide spread claws, grasping his back as he charges. Clutching onto the sides of his body, all eight sink their teeth into the animal. Twelve sets of lions teeth, twelve pairs of claws clutching at his underbelly eventually slow him down.

_ _ _

The sky is purple in Wisconsin, too, and I never noticed it. Shards of sparkly snow highlight the greying Western sky as I walk home.

_ _ _

Hundreds of geese nest in the plains, splattering the air with the pattern of their white wings. A fox is hunting, attempting to steal some chicks.

It dashes, and chases the hissing parents from their roost. Six fluffy yellow blurs are exposed, and the fox bites the necks of all of them, and then uses the ground to ambitiously scoop all of them up, stuffing it’s mouth with the squealing infants. All six fit in its ravenous mouth, yet one falls out of it’s jowls and runs away, as the parents land on the back of the fox. Breaking, the fox only manages to hold onto the leg of one, and as it escapes, the bird squawks for rescue from it’s parents, who are too busy mourning their other babies.

The fox bounds back to a ledge, where ten fuzzy grey cubs are waiting. It drops the chick and waits as the little foxes pounce on each other for a turn at the chick.

Inspired by NPR and my mother

I called him crying. I had never cried in front of him before, as it is not graceful. Yes, my mascara looks good smudged, but snot is not attractive.

He was biking across Portland.

I sat against my bed, the dark wooden mattress box jabbing into the center of my back. My spine was split by the corner of the wood, but my body was too exhausted to move.

While I listened to the wind whizz through the phone, I sobbed about my inadequacy. How I wasn’t smart enough, how no one would want me, how I was too dull for any college to want me.

Want me.

_________________________________________________

Cold forces one to feel. Glinting snow shines so bright that it becomes impossible to ignore the potency of the night. In the cold feelings freeze before they have the chance to tumble away.

My fingers would have become frostbitten if I took them out of my pocket to lift a phone to my ear. My snot would have frozen if I entertained the notion of crying.

I don't cry any more.

Saved Money

Thinking back on this semester, I realize that I saw Baths, The Thermals, Ty Segall, and Tennis FOR FREE. Well I mean not really cause tuition is mind blowing... but seriously. I love college.

???

the worn grooves in my mind

know exactly where to place these memories

know exactly the sting

Stellar Spark 8

Somehow my best friend managed to score two free tickets to the Girl Talk concert at The Rave.

Things that went down:

- I lost the guy I came with

- I got hit on by gorgeous identical twins

- Some beautiful girl also was flirting with me and wanted to dance

- I made out with my childhood crush of about eight years.

- We almost missed the Girl Talk concert because we were at another DJ booth at the wrong time. we only saw the last 20 minutes. Horrible.

- This drunk girl told me she made out with my ex-boyfriend, when we took a break last summer. Surprise!

- Glitter

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

13.7 Inches

It has rained over two feet in Claremont, CA since I've been in Wisconsin.

Last night I remembered why I love Milwaukee, slipping on ice and stumbling around in the cold with three guys as we made our way to Ian's pizza. Seeing the people of MKE there long past midnight, and then consuming more calories than I eat in a day in SoCal in five minutes. Mac and cheese pizza? Yes please.

My body hasn't been this cold since May though, and I'm sick. I sure have become a wuss when it comes to the cold, and a lot of me misses the mountains. But I can see my beautiful, frozen Lake Michigan every day again.

Still...L.A. has slowly made a space in my heart...

Still Obsessed

Exams

Marjorie Miller, Queen of the Night, Tatler, 1931

Smells

Bugler tobacco

pebbles that are slightly wet

COCO Chanel perfume

marijuana

hay

dew

maple leaves

crispy snow

connect them, bitches

I Said That

I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours.

Let the Past Affect Your Every Decision

As if the sense of detachment was only something induced by the weather

I'll smile and pretend it was ok.

When something so sweet turns off, turns odd, turns...away?

Is it ok to feel?

Cello Song

Oh Dear Lazy Weekend

Favorite Book

Remember The Feeling of Cold

The cold was not quite biting, but fierce enough for me to put up my hood of fake fur. blow the cigarette smoke away, the smell stays on the fake plastic fibers. The melted snow on the sidewalk shone garishly in the little light from the moon, as I deer-hopped down the street.

I reached the party and just went int. They were happy to see me;soaked in cheap Fleischmann’s. “After five shots, you puke”. I took three.

I didn’t belong there. I felt empty.

“Come pick me up”

I waited for 45 minutes on the sidewalk. You always kept me waiting. I lit another cigarette, and forgot it was burning in my hand until my flesh was singed. Two little burn marks drawing blood near my knuckles. I sucked on them.

Your car pulled up.

You were so damn skinny, I could see your knee cap through your kakis even in the musty yellow light from the street. We drove to OP for more cigarettes. The unfortunate man behind the counter stuck out in his thin, play school-blue polo. His stringy blond hair hung over his face, and didn’t ask for ID, though I was seventeen. But what’s a few months at two in the morning?

Talking talking talking talking in circles. Why why why? You were coming down from an acid trip, that was why. That didn't make things any less confusing. I looked in the corner of the room - there was a helium ballon, in that fake candy shine color, that read “I love you”. Valentine’s Day was the week before, you made some witty joke. It was starting at us the entire time we talked, it's wrinkles beginning to take form. The whole room was grey, and brown, except for that shiny red ballon. It seemed out of place indoors.

I could feel your ribs through two layers of clothing, feel every one. And feel your heartbeat, irregular, leaping, and so full of life. You told me secrets, the same secrets that many others knew. But those brown eyes were just so irresistible!

Thin light began to peek through the kitchen. We moved. As you swerved out of the garage I issued a warning about your driving. There was cocaine in your pocket, no cops tonight! But of course it was not night anymore, 5:30 in the morning. I was cutting it dangerously close.

You let me out of the car. I couldn’t fall asleep once back in my chilly room.