Mixed

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

Bittersweet

Really

Basement Boys

I hadn't been on his side of town in a while. I had been thinking about us lately, because I removed him from my MyFaves contacts. I realized this because he texted me, and the little icon of a stern looking eagle in front of the American flag did not appear. And the little jump in my blood flow didn't happen when he texted either.

Anyway, I was on his side of town today, and I biked home on Chateau for the first time in a while. I knew all the bumps, crevices, the spot where I would pull out my phone from my breast pocket and swear under my breath because the clock read 12:03. It was odd, biking home on that same path.

It was odd, how things so familiar slipped out of place slowly and I barely noticed they were gone.

I'm Stressed Past My Mind but I'm Happy

Cobain

Three Weeks

It's been three weeks

I can feel it running through my veins

like some spastic animal

and I can barely control my fingers

they move like violent spiders

and my stomach feels sick. again

I feel like if I throw up everything will be ok, my mother will come with a towel and put me in bed and I will finally get to sleep and everything will be out of my stomach

but there is nothing in my stomach to begin with.

so I know that plan won't work.

Everything is fine. Everything is completely fine.

MY FAVORITE SONG

So

Sweet summer night and I'm stripped to my sheets
Forehead is leaking, my AC squeaks and
A voice from the clock says, "You're not gonna get tired"
My bed is a pool and the walls are on fire

Soak my head in the sink for a while
Chills on my neck and it makes me smile but
My bones have to move and my skin's gotta breathe
You pick up the phone and I'm so relieved

You slide down your stairs to the heated street
And the sun has left us with slippery feet
And I want to walk around with you
And be here with you, we're goin'

It doesn't really matter, I'll go where you feel
Hunt for the breeze, get a midnight meal
I point in the windows, you point out the parks
Rip off your sleeves and I'll ditch my socks
We'll dance to the songs from the cars as they pass
Weave through the cardboard, smell that trash
Walking around in our summertime clothes,
Know where to go while our bodies glow
And we'll greet the dawn in its morning blues
With purple yawn, you'll be sleeping soon
And I want to walk around with you

When the sun goes down, we'll go out again
Don't cool off, I like your warmth

Let's leave the sound of the heat for the sound of the rain
It's easy to sleep when it wets my brain
It covers my rest with a saccharine sheen
Kissing the wind through my window screen
The restlessness calls us, that I cannot hide
So much on my mind that it spills outside
Do you want to go stroll down the financial street?
Our clothes might get soaked, but the buildings sleep
And there's no one pushing for a place
As we end up at an easy pace
And I want to walk around with you
I want to walk around with you
Just you, just you, just you...

Hey

No Sleep Ever

Hum

I miss playing the piano. I can tell the keys are falling apart, the lines between F sharp and F flat are becoming so sour, I know! It's as annoying as those egg flakes that happen when you make an omelet. You know, those flakes that sometimes stick to the pan and sometimes stick to the egg, and pretty soon you have an egg coated with egg dandruff or a crusty pan that you will stick next to the sink and ignore.

Today I was watching my math teacher's part in class, and I swear he moved it from the right to the left. He has come out of retirement to teach us because my former teacher had a baby. We had to use crayons to color code our notes today, but I just ended up drawing a water bottle, and the back of a woman instead of taking notes. I forgot how absolutely marvelous crayons are, you can never be precise with them. So we are doing these circle graphs, with these absurd spirals that just come out of math equations. The look so free flowing but really they come from a cosine and all that. I am getting a D- in math now, I failed the last quiz. It came the day after a night that was somehow important at the time... I don't quite remember. But my grade doesn't come up then I can't exempt the exam, and my life will very calculate-ably spiral out of control like the graph. So because I have to study for math I am not playing the piano.

But what is really frustrating me lately is not math and not shitty omelets but how incredibly spelled out everything is right now. For the last two weeks I have been starving myself and then eating so much that I feel I will throw up. And sleeping so little that my body thinks I deserve no naps, just as punishment. But emotion is unstoppable and doesn't end when you sleep and doesn't begin when you're awake. Not like I have these raging emotions, lately they have been a mix of grey, and look like some tea that you forgot you made yourself. I think I am doing too much at once. It's 10:04 and me night has not even begun. Last night I decided to go to bed early, at midnight, as a treat for the beginning of the week. Then he called me at two in the morning to talk, and of course I answered because what the hell I've been living in circles these days anyway.

But what is really frustrating me is existence. I mean the world is just there and who says that four in the morning is a good time to be asleep? Or that I must eat breakfast, lunch and dinner? Or that somehow learning about stocks and bonds will actually do anything except make me consider the stock market? Well I won't even get into the stock market, that's way to fucked up to even begin. Can you even wrap your mind around it? The stock market?!

Well I'm exhausted, and my brother told me I looked like a model today. I questioned him more, because I obviously did not. Once I got what he was trying to say I thanked him for saying I looked like a model and not saying I look like a cocaine addict. We laughed, because we both know I do.

Impending

hard yard darn yawn

obligated, bound by laws

face lace lance mace

cocaine can make you punch through walls

reap creep crepe rape

i just need some adderalls

Wednesday Night, We Meet Again

Procrastination Inspiration

Unstable

The past week has been a hellhole of activity. I don't think I have stayed awake for as many consecutive hours since summer, my body is so strung out on nothing. I don't know what's even happened, I just have so much work and emotions and it all definitely spiraled out of control. My stomach seems to reject most things I force into it, for no good reason - actually I've just been eating with no rhyme or reason, so I guess it's my fault. I wish my bed looked like the above photo this morning... This week I'll try to be a bit more normal.

Decisions

Should I go to Occidental College?

Because Spring Is Coming

Skate

I'm seriously contemplating learning how to skate purely for transportation reasons. Quicker then legs but lighter then a bike. So if I ever learn how to stay on for more then 10 seconds...

CALIFORNIA

WE LEAVE FOR LA TOMORROW!

So Nice