dancing

I created a solo to "Elephant Gun" by Beirut

and realized how much I miss dancing

leather belts

both sides the noise of the belts

against the velvet and wool of my shirts

which only point out that I have a short torso

its too dark here to see the scars on my hands, and on my legs

and to see that I've lost the knack for writing

and words no longer paddle across my brain

the blood on my hand

is no longer there

I look

although this closet is thick

I can hear the apples dropping

creating a clamor larger

then my self

falling as my arms twist and my feet feel

skimming down the branches to an unknown place

in the corners

that will become so easy

my feet feel the pavement

the water on the sharp blades of grass in the night

the bike spinning wheels

the ground splashing

and I saw a fox

and I saw a bird with no head (but someone cared enough to tag it's foot)

and I saw a squirrel with no insides

and I saw a sunrise and a sunrise and a sunrise until I come home when it's dark

my toes slip down the slime of the berries on which the chickadees feast

and touch the black underbrush

and climb home with sick stomach feeling

and strip off the moisture form my hair

and strip off my cloths from my steaming body

as fresh as the mist

yes, I've seen two sunrises

one hour apart

and you leave the day after tomorrow

and you left saturday

and you left tuesday

and you are gone

running has been forgotten

to forget pain, to release joy

this odd everything left

left

i wish the scratches were still there

or at least a scar

but all that remains are a few etched lines

that were given by deviant scissors, or some careless page

i miss

i haven't slept these past days

i haven't slept these past

days

i haven't

slept

these past days

the door never needs to be opened

the window is

enough of my mind that it spills outside

our cloths might get soaked

Last Night

Tomorrow senior year starts

WTF

Newness

I did nothing tonight except for wish that I could walk over to Orlee's and just chill there

but earlier today I overhauled all my music and now my ipod is fresher. niiiice

Contentment

So basically Im too numb right now

WAGON WHEEL by Old Crow Medicine Shoe

listen to it now.

Gone

Orlee and I just hung out for the last time

and scent memory is evil

:(

these pics are from like April I think - I remember Orlee came over, we were both still wet from showering, and then I made her a burrito, and we chilled in my room. typical

End of Summer?

So I have no book or magazine to read, which makes it hard to fall asleep.

and

COLLEGE

is really really stressing me out

and

I just hung out with Sam and Case and Pete and Sophie

and

they are all leaving

CRYING CRYING CRYING

this blows

Endings

I leave tomorrow for 7 weeks of camp in Michigan. I love camp to death, but it's the first year that I'm apprehensive. For once I am finally content with my situation at home, and I have made so many new friends. I really need to let go of my regrets and embrace these next few weeks. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! Sad to say goodbye.

Big Bay

So allll my exams are done! After my last one I met up with Sam, Pete, and Case at Big Bay. They were all on shrooms and so of course like complete goofballs. And I leave in a week exactly, and Gus leaves in days damn make it stop. And I keep on getting invited to all these graduation parties but I will be gone for all of them. It stinks, I feel like these opportunities only come once.

Then Pete and Case left to go to work/eat apple pie, and Sam and I talked for a wile, then Ian came along. I feel like even if I talk to Sam for a million years I still will never know him. He even told me that he is attached to no one. And I defiantly feel the absurd combination of closeness and distance. Anyway, it was nice to hang out with him, even though these chilly June days are aggravating me.

I've been on a weird sleep schedule lately, but I really can't complain.

Pictures

Guess who's on my miiiinddddd

I will miss seeing Gus everyday in photography. I will miss seeing Ian and Case too. Damn you summer, take me back to March, when Ian took this picture of me.

Mes Amis

Marie came over to study today. Then Gus came over. He got a haircut, and is now ever cuter then I remembered. I don't know what to do with myself, or him. But it's true that scent memory is the most vivid. la la la la la la la

Summer

Misty settling over the lush greenery

of prolific

ripe peonies

that are in my bedroom

normally with outstretched neck I welcome

tiny as the creeping

tender ants

I smell you, and sleep sleep

cycle of days and food and thoughts

suspended in the fog

above these chilly June days

resentment over warmer days

pushed against the clouds

in blossomed animosity

and ambiguity

Fingers spindly

and skin soft

and here encaptured this man

of stories elusive

and forces of circles

inside my stomach

that wobble and hook

and spin around and upwards

until reaching the tip of my brain

where the washed out corners

collect to form a place

Leave your scent traced on the pillow

sneak through in unexpected brilliance

of the tumbly lack

and you rabid heartbeat

has been heard

exams

I cannot study for my French exam. I will resort to drinking some tea and wasting time taking pictures of myself. That sounds like a far better plan.

Notice the cat on the bed.

Secret

I wish I could take the art film seriously

But I was actually more focused on your breathing

And the fact that I still don't speak Italian

photography

This year my photography class has been amazing - mostly because of Medved, Ian, and Case. And of course the internet. I will miss is throughly.

June

The air is cool, the sky is warm

As I once fled this place

With gravel grey hurt

On the soles of my feet

Once cringed of the mud sliding sideways through my toes

Sterility, chemicals, taught lessons

Jitters of glass

And

When the street light goes off

Because the light flies over

Not for despiration

For without staying up the night

I could not see the dawn

The Sidewalk

Today as I walked home

There was a hole

A hole in the sidewalk

And the precious taxpayer money

Money used to patch just this square

One house over from mine

Where my feet clamored daily

It was gone!

Simply vanished, and it rained, and the soil was clay

And I needed to sleep

Because a piece of me left

Left, and revealed the earth

Now the earth caused crumbles

And yes, needed to be replaced

I could see

My feet knew

My feet knew creeping home from forbidden activities

That I was just one away

Almost home

The night would part

Parted has the sidewalk

Those crumbles stung my feet

Blood drawn as over

The sharp corner I stepped

Stepped in many smooth things

The contrast was different, alive

And I loved the habitual stinging

Because then my shoes were off

Off in spring, because we needed winter

So it could crack in age

So we could sing in sun

So the blood was wine

These cracks were my blood

So familiar and necessary

Under my feet

And I miss them

earth

i feel like its ok that i wear makeup because most of it is organic.

i feel angry when people use the automatic door button for handicapped people instead of using their arm muscles.

i feel sad when my glass of water keeps on getting refilled and refilled and the resteraunt is left with eight full cups of water.

i feel happy that my toothpaste is made from bamboo. fo real yo

home

sam's back

last night i hung out with pete and case and ian and orlee

at pete's, around a fire

and the moment was glorious

such good people

chirp

the way you laughed at the amish

because economics are more important

and champagne is fizzing

every bubble desperate for air

shoving up up and the sand i feel it

and the moon i feel it

rising above the black liquour

of the lake and it is a secret

as we fleet through the marsh

i think its funny the way you run

and the way you ride your bike

with unruly ligaments

that bounce in time to the disco music

the irony of the energy is lost in the content car

s0 do you remember when we met?

this isn't the second time you've held me

and do you remember when you had long hair

and I had long hair

and we were in love? with ourselves and others, but not together

and i have grown grown grown

to overtake that tent that we didn't sleep in

because it was too cold.

and i cherish the two lines of blood

racing across my hand

because of that night

i hope they never heal

you scared me. yes, yes you did!

you were old and tall and had blonde hair

and were my first! you were my first glimpse of high school! you were, you were!

oh i digress just like your sentences

and how i can tell your thinking

but we are afraid of the end

of Paris, of Michigan

of joy over joy over joy